13th February

erm today's the day when i feel damn off... really screwed... i have no idea wads wrong with me.. i just dun feel the same as the previous times in choir.. perhaps i dun enjoy it as much le.. or maybe its just because of some other apparent reason..

im sorry for wad i've done.. im sorry if i had ever bothered u or made a nuisance... perhaps its me that's pissing people off.. im sorry if i've been bothering anyone at all... my bad.. im sincerely sorry if anyone finds me irritating at times.. perhaps i shld just shut up.. it doesnt do my any good at all.. nope.. none at all..

i just find myself speaking alot lesser nowadays.. sometimes i'd rather be alone then to go out for dinner after choir or something like this.. sometimes... i just need to be alone.. actually i feel bored alone.. but i cant seem to find anything to talk about when im with others.. seriously.. if im gonna be sticking around and not say anything.. i'd rather be alone.. but then again.. i'd feel damn bored.. sigh.. its one thing or another.. basically, im screwed.

im finding respite in the weirdest of places, i feel comfort lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling.. i know that i shld be doing something constructive.. but staying i cant stop myself from doing that.. its perhaps saving me from breaking down...

i shld stop doing pointless stuff... some things just dun get anywhere.. no point in trying when no one actually bothers about it.. its pointless.. waste of time rather.. staying on my bed is still the best option...

perhaps i look ok on the outside... but deep down inside me.. the true me.. is void.. the lack of substance.. the invalidity of rational thoughts.. there're some things that are just not meant to be said.. im sorry..

sometimes.. the silent waiting is the difficult one.. when u actually have something to say but cant bring urself to doing so.. it hurts... sometimes u dun get the chance to do so.. sometimes u just cant pick the courage required for it.. sometimes.. its just wrong to say so... some things look alright from the outside.. but to me... it hurts..

a day of friendship.. nope..

perhaps im just tired.. its just me... sorry.

the lack of virtue is actually hard to accept and act out.. who wants to show the worse side of him.. one who only wants the good side is superficial, one who wants the bad side is retarded.. and the true side of one really hurts... acting nonchalent doesnt really mean anything now.. its all over..

sigh.. the invalidity of life.. the practicality of life is disgusting.. the good old times as a child is long gone.. now everyone's thinking about their future.. everyone has a agenda for doing stuff.. doesnt anyone do anything for the sake of friendship no more, for the sake of truly helping out people no more?..

its painful.

ken.