FebSunday,

woah, today had to go to J8 to get back my phone.. well its fixed.. and it got fixed earlier than i expected.. so oh wells.. no complaints.. den caleb called and wanted me to get 35 black files for choir.. with each costing at 4.20.. -.-... 35x4.20.. do ur math and u get a shit lot to pay for.. best for all, when i asked for 35 of them.. the salesgirl was like.. er.. u need to pre-order that amount.. and its gonna take awhile.. while talking, caleb called again.. and told me choir fund was close to nil -.-.. nice.. that means its gonna take awhile to claim back my $35..

yest went yishun swimming complex to swim.. well.. swam with df, alli and eunice.. and im guessing, they havent been swimming.. but its ok i guess, at least it gives me time to rest inbetween laps.. its like.. we swam 26 laps.. which is like only 1.3km.. ok ba.. but we took nearly an hour i think.. haha.. and i ended up looking like a cooked lobster / crab / prawn... blah, u get the point..

and until now, my back still hurts... but i wun peel.. i think.. many people say they'll confirm peel and it looks damn disgusting, but i dun really remember peeling anywhere, except for the occasional nose issue...

and im slowly turning white again.. sigh.. its almost impossible for me to get tanned.. o.o

oh well.. that shld be it.. and im still finding time to do up the video.. now to sleep..

ken off.

FebThursday,

i realised that i've sort of lost the feel for choir le.. its like the choir feels totally different now.. its not the prob with additional practices, nor it is anything to do with the new members.. its just that i've seen to understand the people i know better now.. its like some people finally showed their true colours.. their ulterior motive of being in choir.. their aim of getting close to u and wanting something off u...

its a disgusting feeling..

and then im realising the fact that i dun feel as close to many people as i thought i was.. i dun have any idea why im feeling it this way, but im just feeling it.. the idea of being proved wrong and ur thoughts distorted is really weird..

im having perplexed feelings about some people.. sometimes i just dun understand their actions.. they're close to u at times.. like as though they actually treat u as some close friend.. then.. it all happens.. when u try to talk to them, they just give u some slipshot reply and not talk anymore, while they immerse themselves into their own activity, or just to talk to their so called 'closer friends'..

sometimes.. it just feels sucky to be used in some form... where u seem like a substitute for someone.. a liferaft.. when they find their boat, they're gonna throw u behind and forget about it..
forget it man.. shld just go isolate myself and not give a damn about it already.. wads the point?.

ken off.

FebMonday,

oh well.. valentines day was pretty ok i guess.. not that there's anything to celebrate in the 1st place.. a day of friendship perhaps..

and ty eunice for the barbecue.. haha..

well, luckily didnt go to j8 today.. wun be able to make it back dry.. haha.. the rain was horrendous.. badbad.. so.. might as well pass the phone to my mum, since she said she'll be going there to get stuff.. might as well get it fixed for me.. haha..

oh ya.. have to go do stuff tmr.. sigh.. and im getting phobia of GP.. striking terror in our hearts.. we dunno how to answer her questions sometimes.. either get it wrong and get scolded.. or not answering and still get scolded.. gheez..

aiya.. have to get ready for her lesson tmr le.. tmr's like the longest day of the week.. BCME PE all lum together.. !!!

ken off.

FebFriday,

erm today's the day when i feel damn off... really screwed... i have no idea wads wrong with me.. i just dun feel the same as the previous times in choir.. perhaps i dun enjoy it as much le.. or maybe its just because of some other apparent reason..

im sorry for wad i've done.. im sorry if i had ever bothered u or made a nuisance... perhaps its me that's pissing people off.. im sorry if i've been bothering anyone at all... my bad.. im sincerely sorry if anyone finds me irritating at times.. perhaps i shld just shut up.. it doesnt do my any good at all.. nope.. none at all..

i just find myself speaking alot lesser nowadays.. sometimes i'd rather be alone then to go out for dinner after choir or something like this.. sometimes... i just need to be alone.. actually i feel bored alone.. but i cant seem to find anything to talk about when im with others.. seriously.. if im gonna be sticking around and not say anything.. i'd rather be alone.. but then again.. i'd feel damn bored.. sigh.. its one thing or another.. basically, im screwed.

im finding respite in the weirdest of places, i feel comfort lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling.. i know that i shld be doing something constructive.. but staying i cant stop myself from doing that.. its perhaps saving me from breaking down...

i shld stop doing pointless stuff... some things just dun get anywhere.. no point in trying when no one actually bothers about it.. its pointless.. waste of time rather.. staying on my bed is still the best option...

perhaps i look ok on the outside... but deep down inside me.. the true me.. is void.. the lack of substance.. the invalidity of rational thoughts.. there're some things that are just not meant to be said.. im sorry..

sometimes.. the silent waiting is the difficult one.. when u actually have something to say but cant bring urself to doing so.. it hurts... sometimes u dun get the chance to do so.. sometimes u just cant pick the courage required for it.. sometimes.. its just wrong to say so... some things look alright from the outside.. but to me... it hurts..

a day of friendship.. nope..

perhaps im just tired.. its just me... sorry.

the lack of virtue is actually hard to accept and act out.. who wants to show the worse side of him.. one who only wants the good side is superficial, one who wants the bad side is retarded.. and the true side of one really hurts... acting nonchalent doesnt really mean anything now.. its all over..

sigh.. the invalidity of life.. the practicality of life is disgusting.. the good old times as a child is long gone.. now everyone's thinking about their future.. everyone has a agenda for doing stuff.. doesnt anyone do anything for the sake of friendship no more, for the sake of truly helping out people no more?..

its painful.

ken.

FebSunday,

erm happy birthday all.. haha..

CNY this year seems pretty dead boring.. have no idea why.. normally i get to go visiting.. but this year like dun need to go.. since im staying with my gramps.. people come over and i didnt need to leave home at all.. and when im supposed to go my mum's sides, they seem to not be free... lol.. haha.. so basically.. stayed home and got raided at home.. my room was officially invaded by kids and have to let them watch barney on my laptop.. while me and my bro just lazed around.. lol..

oh ya.. yest. finally got my mahjong game.. as expected.. wasnt much of a challenge.. haha :).. but this depends on the players as well.. not myself.. havent really seen as much fun for awhile.. (not that my 'hangouts' nowadays aren't fun).. but just that the time u spend meeting old friends is much more cherished.. yaya... im corrrnny.. wads with that?.. haha..

and i finally met weiming.. it seems awfully long since the last time i spoke to him.. to think that we used to spend on average an hour on the phone / day before exams to just revise(?).. he seems to be building his resume pretty well now.. organising exhibitions and inviting wongkanseng along for the event.. nicely done.. just realised the actual competitiveness of people nowadays.. to wad extent people do to get their places in pretigious courses in uni.. perhaps its just me..

and i find tennis very interesting to watch... haha.. its damn fun to see people challenging the umpire and actually have a chance at winning it.. unlike soccer.. which is so.. how should i put it.. dictated by the ref.. haha..

oh well.. just watching it makes me laugh.. and tmr the J1s are coming in.. hmmm.. oh well... no comments :)

february's gonna be a short month.. not that its that short.. but a few days gonna do the trick.. well.. im off..

ken off.